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I need a part time job that pays $20,000 per week.

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if you can have a long and meaningful conversation with me even though we haven’t seen or talked to each other in super super long and not make things awkward you are hella special

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marry a guy who has sisters because he’s seen the female in her natural state therefore won’t have any unrealistic expectations of you 

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when you say something funny and your friends laugh


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do you ever get a weird crush on someone that’s not even attractive but you’re just attracted to them and you don’t know why

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I see 2007 and think “oh 3 years ago” and then it hits me that it was 7 fucking years ago


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my printer can suck a dick 

what kind of printer do you have

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  • student: hey government can I have some money to go to university
  • uk government: sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
  • scottish government: nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
  • us government: no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker. you have six months after graduating to start paying loans so you better pray to fucking god and jesus that you have a well-paying job by then or be prepared to be fucked up the ass without lube.
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bad people shouldnt be allowed to have clear skin or good hair or nice jaw lines or green eyes

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isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other human beings?

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